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The New Trump Products

Failed President Donald J. Trump (R-Florida) has long tried to generate extra cash by selling Trump brand products.

For example, Trump Vodka, Trump the Game, Trump Wine, Trump Steaks, and Trump NFT Trading Cards. Predictably, most of this merchandise became the butt of jokes. Trump NFT Trading Cards even inspired a Saturday Night Live skit.

  Photo by Sean Ferigan on Unsplash


To give ourselves more stuff to mock and help Trump take more money from his marks. We shall propose some horrific new Trump Merchandise.

The Horrific New Trump Merchandise includes:

  1. The King Donald Bible. We replace the words of Christ with select quotes from The Art of the Deal.
  2. Trump Collectible Plates. These features the exclusive artwork from the Trump NFT Trading Cards.
  3. Trump Statue. Put it in your yard and give your neighbors a reason to hate you.
  4. The Trump Album. Features Trump’s greatest hits including his classic rendition of the Green Acres theme song.
  5. The Trump Wrestling Buddy. Give your kids something to hate and destroy.
  6. Actual classified documents found at Mar-a-Lago. Own copies for just $1 million a piece.
  7. The Wit and Wisdom of Donald J. Trump Sr. This book features many of Trump’s most brilliant quotes including classics from The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice.
  8. The Philosophy of Donald J. Trump Sr. This book of blank pages reveals Trump’s political philosophy.
  9. The Trump Cryptocurrency. Buy it fast before the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) bans it.
  10. The Make America Great Again (MAGA) helmet. The perfect headgear to wear for our next attack on the US Capitol.
  11. Trump Cola. The Unwoke Soft Drink for Real Americans. Twice the sugar and caffeine of any other cola on the market.
  12. Trump Vacation Tour Packages. Includes tours of Mara-A-Lago, the Trump Tower, Trump’s boyhood home in Queens, stays at Trump Hotels, and golf at Trump Clubs.

So yes, you can prove your loyalty to the Donald by wasting your money on more worthless Trump merchandise. We asked Trump himself about this and he said all these things are valuable collectibles that will make you rich.

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